Oral Sex Still a Controversy? How?!

Hi, guys, Trina here. Shan’s given me free reign (well, as much as she can and still maintain we are both ladies) tonight. I urge you to go get the biggest tea cup you can find because I’m coming for souls tonight! So if you’re underaged turn back now. If you are archaic, better leave your soul behind or prepare to be dragged.

So it’s been a few weeks (I think) since the iShawna song ‘Equal Rights’ has been hitting the airwaves in Jamaica and it seems, all the men want to show up and out because the song encourages men who want oral sex and/or those who may be less than stellar in the bedroom to, shall we say, ‘face the music’ if they find themselves unable to ‘waist‘ it.

Apparently, she has committed some grave sin by demanding reciprocity. It took weeks for Shan to finally listen to the song, and only did so at the insistence of a friend who was reading a manuscript of Shan’s (yes, she’s writing a book. More on that later) and commented that she was here for the Pepsi situation. Of course, if we were to understand the reference, we’d need to listen to the song.’

The verdict is not at all surprising, the song absolute trash, but the topic? We are here for this! This is 2017, and after songs like Vybz Kartel’s “Freaky Gal” and Gage’s “Dung ina your Throat” (Which we find distasteful, to say the least, due to the action it seems to invoke in public), one would think Jamaicans would be past this foolishness. So let’s really reason this out, shall we?

Freaky Sex

What is that? What does it entail? I’ve always been a reader (no surprise there) and the first time I came across anything suggestive of “freakiness” is a novel where the leading female character was a dominatrix. I would have been around 17 or 18 at the time. I was quite surprised, hooked even, and clung to the scenarios and fetishes described in that book. It a great regret of mine that I cannot recall neither the name nor the author. Even then, the true understanding of what a freak was didn’t take root until I happened upon a documentary of BDSM that had been sparked by the release of the E.L James famous (or infamous, owing to preferences) Fifty Shades Trilogy in 2012. The book in themselves? Now THAT was a revelation.

So you can see that by my standards, ‘freaky’ people are into out of this realm things, like golden showers, BDSM, voyeurism, exhibitionists, you know, something along those lines. (Speaking of BDSM, Christian Grey? Now there’s a freak! Oh, my Christian!) But no, here we have men and women of the darkened ages who think (or pretend they do) that oral sex is classified as ‘freaky’? Erm? Where? How sway? *inserts rolling eyes* A wah unu a do ina fi unu love life so??

Let’s not mince words, I became sexually active in my late teens and up until that point, believed the hype that Jamaicans weren’t into oral sex.

LIES. YOU. TELL.

That garbage was quickly dispelled. Not only doesn’t it need to be requested by women, there are those obnoxious men who will make it their pick up lines to insinuate that you should ‘give them a talk’ by swiping their tongues at you (in case you were wondering, that mess is NOT cute).

I was once in New Kingston standing at the corner of that intersection of E-Park and the Pegasus. I was standing right where the vines (or whatever they’re called cover the walls) when I kept being catcalled. I could hear it, but I couldn’t see the person, and as close as it was I began to look around. Would you believe the man behind that wall stuck his wiggling tongue through the hole at me?!

I would just like to know WHO these men think they’re lying to? After all, the women know the truth. We know from experience that the men who squeal the loudest regarding oral sex are the ones who possess graduate ‘kitty licking’ degrees. We’re the ones that see you holler with your brethren about how you would never ‘bow’, then get all up in our ears about the ‘buffet style‘ menu that you want. If so many women have been eaten, and all these Jamaican men deny doing the eating, men of alien nationalities are flying in to eat and fly out, leaving the waist aspect of the job for the locals?

STOP IT!

You mean to tell me that as a grown man, you are going to tell your grown woman she must keep two men to be properly serviced? What then, oh wise one, would be your purpose?

In conclusion, Jamaican men, please just keep your mouths shut about your bedroom activities. Keep a ‘Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell’ policy. No one believes you anyway. We, women, know from experience that self-praise is no recommendation and half the time, the promise to “blow our backs out” fall short. All the friends you are bragging to most likely are offering the service up to the woman you are ‘claiming’ you don’t eat. 

If it’s not your cup of tea, simply don’t comment on it. Not that hard, right?

The men who are silent, never uttering a word of their abilities, these are the men we worry about. We know the following proverbs to be true…

“Empty barrels make the most noise.”

“Silent river runs deep.”

In the words of Nadine Sutherland and Terror Fabulous “Action, not a bag a mouth!” (No pun intended) Ha!

Until next time…

P.S. This post was written by my alter ego, Trina. I, Shandean will know not of what you speak if you mention it.