Wife Before Child and Mother

This meme has been the point of contention on social media for a few years now, and each time I visit the comments section, as a deeply rooted family oriented woman, become more and more dismayed as the reason for the colossal break down of the family unit globally become more and more apparent and so loud, reason and logic seems to be the few and far in between.

While in my opinion misguided, I can certainly understand the notion that someone would be compelled to put the child first, the other possibilities being thrown around like heavyweight though, truly baffle me. There are actual answers citing the following:

  • Mother, Daughter, Sister, Wife, Baby’s Mother
  • Daughter, Mother, Sister, Wife, Baby’s Mother

There is the occasional insinuation that the Wife is following the Baby’s Mother as well, but I will not even give those asinine assumptions a second thought. For my sanity.

To look at these premises, we are going to assume that each of these relationships is at the very least functional since “healthy” states are debatable given the mindset of our current generation.


As a mother, if I had a son, who placed me before his wife, I would consider it a personal, ignominious failure. A mother’s role is to protect her child, provide for him /her and to teach her child how to become a functioning adult. In essencea mother’s role is to raise the next generation by ensuring the child, when grown, knows how to handle their own lives and to pass the torch. This is not to say that the mother will be forgotten. Quite the opposite, as throughout their entire lifespan, guidance and opinions will be sought. If, however, at 40 years old your child looks to you to make every decision for him or her, have you really done your job? download

To insinuate that my child owes me the right to be placed above the immediate family that he created is ludicrous. I certainly could never feel that my duty to my child, is following my duty to my mother. I have personally watched a situation unfold where a “man” will be sharing an intimate moment with his partner and get up and leave because his mother wanted to be driven somewhere trivial at a moment’s notice. As you can imagine, this situation is one that occurred again, and again, again. Instead of explaining to his mother that he, a grown man of 30 something years was otherwise occupied at the moment and unable to cater to her, he placed the needs of his mother above that of his partner.

Let me be clear, had I been the spouse in that situation, this man would not have me to come back to. Period. I cannot even begin to describe all the ways that this is unacceptable. I have been married for close to three years, and there is not a day that goes by that I am not in awe of my mother-in-law and the job she had done in raising her son (my husband). Often when we are together (and on the phone) our conversations are about life and encouragement, and one of the things that she has drilled into me since our daughter has been born (and even before) is to NEVER, under any circumstances allow my daughter to be placed in the middle of our marriage. As the mother, she is secure in her place in his life and reminds me often that as his wife I (and our daughter) am his first priority, not her.

20170709_131329She is her husband’s. However, I could certainly never take her place, that is not what I am here for. Instead of seeing it as losing her son, the understands that she has simply gained a daughter. She makes it her duty to remind me that if I am to be successful as a parent and my child leaves home in the projected timespan, there are even more years ahead with my spouse, and a marriage neglected for the sake of children is still a marriage neglected.

When I look at my husband, I beam with pride at the man she has raised. She is the kind of mother I aspire to be. 


A KING cannot rule with his mother as QUEEN. Whether you are partial to the English hierarchy or African ancestry, that is not the natural order.



I can tell you right now, I am the product of a parent who put me before himself for at least 20 years, and covering my two sisters ages as well, that timeframe is fast approaching a timespan of thirty years. I love my father inexplicably. For the man that he is, the father that he is. When my parents split up, I was about 12 years old, and he had never engaged in anything long term since then. I have often asked why, and his answer was that his children are his priority. I wish more than anything my father had a spouse because his youngest child and my sister is now 18 and as you can imagine, more often than not outside of work, he is alone. Not because he has terrible children, but because we are, for all intents and purposes, grown and leading our own lives (my younger sister not entirely but in a year or so she will be in college). I see him once a week for a measly two hours or so, but that is not nearly as much time as I would like to spend with him. I love my father, but I cannot fill the role of a wife for him. My household, the family that I created with my decisions come first.

I, much like every other child with good parents, think (and pray) that he will be around for another 40 or 50 years at least. I would rather that he not be alone for it while his children are scattered worldwide. If he had a wife, I would worry less. And it is my greatest wish, that he or had or will soon begin to place more of his attention on himself. Yet, he is traditional in his thinking and will be the first t chew me out if he thinks, I am not putting my husband first.

If you have parented successfully, there will be a time, when your child will want you but not need you as much. Additionally, when younger, the child cannot (and should not be placed in a situation where they should become a support system for their parent.)


A KING cannot rule with his daugher as QUEEN. Whether you are partial to the English hierarchy or African ancestry, that not the natural order.



If you could not tell, it’s my view that your wife must come first. Wife first, if you’re married. Period. You nurture your home and the environment you want your child to thrive in. I look at it as, if two people are at their best, the child doesn’t stand a chance of having anything but that.In the morbid instance that you are unable to care for your child, he or she will not be able to take care of themselves. You will depend on the person you heavily to do what you cannot. It sometimes unfair and unacceptable how much parents nowadays place their obligations on their children. “I took care of you, now take care of me!” Life is a circle, not a loop! Children are not physical, financial nor emotional pensions. rameshnewellphotography-312

You make your child with your wife (hopefully) and if you didn’t, you would have chosen your wife based on the SPECIFIC criterion that she is the kind of woman you would want to bear and raise your child/children and that in both in your presence AND your absence, this person would hold down your home and treat your child and family like their own (as they are). Anything else is PURE FAILURE as a man in your responsibilities your child/children.



Mother, Wife and Daughter. Three different generations, three different roles. The other women do not place in this discussion. They could not in any way be first if these three exist. It is germane to add that all these women play different roles that the other is incapable of filling. If the man is truly a MAN, each one knows where they stand and fill a role that cannot be duplicated by any other. They SHOULD know to fall back when one, in particular, needs his support more than the other at a particular moment in time. This in evitably where most men fail. Allowing one or the other to disrespect the other is unacceptable. The should have enough respect for YOU, as a man to at the very least behave cordially towards each other.




  • Understand546

    I do love this post
    Good blog and I respect your opinion
    In my opinion if I ever get married, I can’t put my wife before my mother.
    I think no man should come before your father.
    A marrige is not guranteed to last.
    When your wife or husband leaves you or cheats on you, your mother or father are the ones that’s gonna look out for you.
    When u drowning in bills and child support your mother will most likely lend you money when u need money.
    Nothing more powerful than a parents love.
    Good blog tho

    • Shandean™

      Thank you for stopping by. As you rightly said though, we disagree. Not just on this by your comment but on relationships on a whole. You see, the chances of any marriage working out is 50/50. Nothing is guaranteed and one should think long, hard and carefully before getting in. If you enter marriage by not only preparing yourself to leave, cater to the mindset that you have one foot in and one foot out, then you place your wife as third (at least), behind someone who isn’t even in your household, can one really expect that to last? In my view, that marriage is a recipe for disaster before it ever began. No longer is that a 50/50 chance. You’re working with a about 20% chance of success by then if not less.

      Thanks for sharing though. I followed back!

      • Understand546

        Interesting opinion!
        Thank you for following me back

  • lisalemuya

    loved it the roles clash every now and then but once understood fully they coexist in harmony

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