I was listening to a podcast and the topic of discussion was centred around a young woman who said that she was single until she was married due to the fact that men are not trustworthy and may be doing this, that, that and the third. This in and of itself is not an uncommon stance by women these days, as women try to guard their hearts against disingenuous men who really want to shelve women and still play the field.
I get it, truly I do, but I believe that women who think this way set themselves up for failure. If you’re going into a relationship with this mindset, then can you truly be mad at a man for not believing you are really worth the effort of a serious relationship? If you are ‘Single Til Married’, it means you are still looking. Still waiting for something or someone better. Whatever relationship you’re in, you have one foot in and one foot at all times. Basically, a woman thinking this way will half ass her relationships and when they fail will say ‘Yes! That’s I didn’t do this!’ or ‘I glad that never did that’, failing to recognize that the failure of the relationship could have been caused by her negligence and poor attitude. It’s a catch 22, but for the most part, these women will never own up to this.
Who wants to Marry Someone Acting Single?
So, how exactly does one with this mindset get to the marriage part? Does she expect a well thinking, well-adjusted man to marry her and hope that she will eventually commit fully? In my mind, this is same thing as the ridiculous notion that one should not give ‘husband benefits‘ to boyfriends It is downright ridiculous.
I am not saying shack up, play house and have babies while hoping for a ring, but do we really expect a man to marry a woman and simply hope she will morph into the wife he wants/needs after he’s married her? How is he going to know whether she is the kind of wife he wants? She’ll tell him so? Come on now. Who came up with this garbage anyway? If my son did this I would slap him into oblivion and back.
Maybe You Aren’t Marriage Material
If you are not ready to risk it all, to commit fully, to trust your partner; the person you are claiming to love, you are better off single. If the person isn’t trust worthy, that’s on you, deciding to stay. Don’t ruin someone with good intentions based on what you think others are doing, or even what others have done to you in the past in a bid to ‘protect’ yourself. If you feel the need to emotionally protect yourself in a relationship, you are in the wrong one.
Many people do not want to identify themselves as the time wasters or the person who is not marriage material, but this is the raw truth. If you enter a relationship with a get out clause, your partner deserves better than that and they should leave you. You are the person others should avoid.
Make Better Decisions
My advice is to make better decisions in who we choose as partners. Invariably, there will be the man or woman who is in it for the wrong reasons or is just not of the character to carry on with a relationship. Do not make excuses for bad, inconsiderate or morally bankrupt behaviour. I believe nine times out of ten, a person has exhibited red flags prior to an indiscretion that a spouse will excuse or ignore in an effort to ‘keep the peace’ or to hold fast to the view that they are special and as such whatever they have done to someone else they once love, it will not be extended to them. Lies!
People test limits. Most likely, the person already knows what they can get away with. However subtle the disrespect or bad behaviour, by forgiving it without a fuss or excusing it, you make it okay. They know that can do what they want, and they will simply spout an apology and everything will be okay.
When you get into a relationship, communicate, communicate, communicate! Let the other person know what your expectations are from the beginning. Want to be married? Say so. Want kids? Say so. Give the person the opportunity to decide if they want those things as well and more importantly, if they want them with you. Don’t sit in a relationship for a half a decade having this man’s kids, tying up your finances, etc. if you want more than you currently in the relationship, hoping or assuming the man wants to marry you and then label men wicked when he lets you know he doesn’t after all. He was allowed to drink the milk for free and at no point was he told he would need to purchase the cow eventually. So he drinks and drinks and doesn’t want to be bothered to move again. Some men will ask, some won’t. Some want to be married, some don’t. Some won’t care enough about it and will marry their lady to make them happy, because he was already committed in his mind, anyway. The point is, stop assuming that the person wants what you do. Talk about the future. Maybe they are just with you for the sake of being with someone.
Leave The Baggage
The above mentioned being said, there will always be genuine people who are hurt by others in a relationship. My advice is to not allow someone who wasn’t for you to keep you from the one who is. Heal and move forward. Chances are the person who has hurt you has. Why give them more power over you by blocking your blessings for their sake?
As humans, we sometimes spend so long looking and regretting a closed window, we never get to see the wide open double doors in front of us. If your mindset is ‘Single Til Married’… you may as well get a few dozen cats.
Pingback: Single Til Married? – Shandean Reid on July 19, 2017