I posted a video on my Instagram teasing about a possible pregnancy some weeks ago. After a flurry of messages in my inbox, I came clean. I wasn’t (am not) pregnant at all. I’m under some duress from baby fever, but no, not pregnant.

Then ladies wanted to know why I looked like I was. My belly was still larger than a food baby. At one point during the day, my sister almost freaked out at how fast My abdomen was distending.

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On October 13, 2016, my most precious bundle of joy was born. It feels like just yesterday that I heard the doctor say “Siobhán is out!”. She was so tiny, even her newborn clothes were big. My husband hogged her for the first few weeks. The only thing I would get to do was feed her because I had the breast! Now, all that teeny bop stuff is gonna and I have a full on young lady on my hands. I can’t believe how fast this past year went by. (more…)

It’s been a month since I had my little Pepperseed and it seems the time has gone up in smoke. That’s easy enough to feel when it comes to the baby. My body, not so much. This part feels like its been forever. Forever and a day. When will the never ending changes just stop?

When a woman has a baby, she is usually enthralled in taking care of him/her. Like many other things, he body has changed into an unfamiliar state. AGAIN. This part of things though, I don’t think is discussed much. Mainly because the running narrative is likely to be, “Embrace your stripes“, “You got a beautiful baby“, “It doesn’t matter“. All of this is mainly from the perspective that said woman should shun anyone (including and particularly her partner) if they dare to speak/comment on or to simply acknowledge the difference. That’s all jolly and well but… That does nothing for me. How goes it when the discomfort is within me? Not caused by an extrinsic stimulus? Is it taboo to recognize that I need to mentally re-calibrate the view ‘I’ have of myself?

Maybe I am shallow or just experiencing a mild case of cognitive dissonance since I believe the above to be true as well. I’m not sure. It seems I am the only new mother willing to admit that I do not particularly like what I see and that acceptance is going to take me a while. Gaining my confidence back is going to take me a while since I wasn’t granted  the gift of immediate assuredness about my post baby body. This is not because I  am unappreciative of the gift of my daughter, but because it is yet again, a DIFFERENCE I must get used to. A somewhat but not truly a permanent one.

Since I can only speak from my perspective on this, there’s something else I find myself doing. Standing in front of the mirror once or twice a day just looking at my body. I’ve been doing this since I was pregnant. Checking the rate of change, however, now from a different perspective. I suppose now I’m unconsciously trying to repair the mental dissociation I now feel to my body whereas before I was excited to know my baby was growing. The unfamiliar, however faint ‘stripes’ on my hips and tummy. Brighter ones on my breasts, my extremely dark stomach (This I was unprepared for). My much bigger belly than I am accustomed. My seemingly overly fat face.

I expected much worse going in. So why am I this slow to acceptance?
***Diary of a woman becoming mother.

After months of fretting about what labour would be like and my ability to handle the pain, needless to say, I had resigned myself to letting it happen. I’m pretty sure whimpier women have done it, right? (Feel free to jump in and back me up anytime here). Losing much of my mobility and excruciating sciatic pain helped me get ready. Not like when it starts I can be like, “I’m not ready“. That’s too bad though. I could have used that. (more…)

The third semester was daunting as the last stretch. In the beginning, it went by kind of fast, but by the time I had 2 months or so to go, it was as though time became a sloth. A cruel pace. It seemed everyone I knew who was pregnant had their baby and mine was especially comfortable in my tummy. I got bigger, heavier, less mobile. I read as much as I could about labour and delivery and forgot most of it almost instantaneously each time. I looked for signs of impending labour everywhere. I heard every baby’s sound even remotely within earshot. I daydreamed constantly about what she looks like. Who she looks like, what she will be like. How big she’ll be. What her cries sounded like. Even what she smelled like.

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1. My feet grew

As much as I would like to tell you this isn’t something that bothers me, it most definitely does. My feet grew. They hang off all my sandals and my closed up shoes feel like I borrowed them and they’re so tight, even my lungs rebel.  (Young gal wear yuh size!). I was originally a 7, it would appear I am now size 8 and only own 2 pairs of shoes. Someone could have told me growing feet were a thing. I expected swollen, (which, ironically, I haven’t  gotten) , but growth? Well then!

Apparently, I get to blame that on the hormone relaxin for loosening ligaments. I’ll hang on to my shoes a while longer though, see if it’s temporary. A girl can dream, right?

2. Learned 80% of spending wasn’t actually on the baby.

As first time parents, one of the things I quickly realized was that 80% of the preparations we needed to make was not actual baby items or on the baby. (Weird I know). It was lot more costly to get our space ready to include another person permanently than it was buying    the baby stuff. A significant amount of preparations were so that our space would comfortable for us with a baby in it. We needed to ‘make space‘ in our lives if you will. And that ladies and gentlemen, is what’s expensive. Making your space baby friendly when you didn’t have kids prior. How come there aren’t pamphlets with these things?

3. I Lost My Mouth Filter

How do I say this diplomatically,  I don’t give a flying fart. Now, I’ve always been very opinionated and vocal, particularly in the company of peers. (You guys kbow I’m shy and quiet around strangers. Ha!) But I find I have an almost uncontrollable urge to say exactly how I feel when I feel it. That’s not particularly cool when you have to adult and mind the feelings of others, at least feign diplomacy and be cordial and such. I could really take very little crap from folks before, but since being pregnant, It’s been decidedly harder. I’ve certainly verbally lashed a few more folks than I’m used to. Yikes!

4. Pregnancy (Baby) Brain Is A Real Thing

This isn’t even funny. I felt (and continue) to feel so out of socket. There would be days I would do something like completely forget what I’m talking about in the the middle of a conversation. Then there were days when I would search for my phone and locate it in the refrigerator, or find the salt there, or check the garbage because I couldn’t locate a plate a was sure I was supposed to be washing. And then there were more dangerous days, when I would  forget I was cooking or even that I had started and go off to take a nap. The utensils population in my kitchen has suffered a severe decline in forks during this unfortunate time, which I think my husband was all too happy about my realizing I was the cause.


5. Perpetual Sweating

(Eww, I know.) All the time, everywhere, at the slightest movement, my skin gushes water. I had initially thought that was summer’s doing, but it’s not.  Even in air conditioning specific areas of my churn out water for what seems like a absolutely no reason. Never mind a room temperature room. As a person who rarely sweated before, it’s no joy to always be wet in embarrassing patches before you arrive at your destination, no matter where it  is or how short the journey. I may have showered more in the past few months than in my entire life! And it almost just never feels like enough.

Bottom line, there are some things you’ll not hear about until you are having your own experience.

When that first positive appeared on the stick, one of the first things I envisioned was my growing belly. How would it look, how would it feel, would I like it? I was excited.

And then I was disappointed. Months passed, and my body felt just horrid and different on the inside but on the outside there was nothing.   Four months in and nothing. I knew the baby was there. I had seen it. But my mind wasn’t believing it. It wanted proof. I had the horrible nausea and lost weight and all that… and no bump. (more…)

Well, not physically. (Obviously) We are prone to forgetting that while our many symptoms as pregnant women are felt by us first hand,  our partners are experiencing it too and not less strongly, just differently. Be mindful I speak of supportive and committed partners, not ‘baby daddies‘. We may find that we underestimate what a man goes through when the woman he loves goes through this trying time.  (more…)